Restoring Hope
by Bodiqua
Summary: Pushing everyone away is better than letting them see what you see in the reflection. Jane is on the brink, can Maura look past her own hurt and save the woman she is falling in love with?
1. Chapter 1

**I had to make a few changes to the timeline, please let me know if you spot any** **inconsistency.**

 **This is my first attempt at fanfic, any and all constructive feedback is welcome. Thank you for reading.**

 **Jane**

My abdomen gives a deep throbbing ache, enough to pull me from whatever state of unconsciousness I was in, I can feel a frown forming, where the hell am I? Last I remember was a pipe about to be smashed down on me.

I open my eyes and see Maura dozing in a chair near me, oh Gods she is so beautiful, my heart skips a beat just looking at her, I try to roll over so I can watch her some more but a groan escapes my lips before I can stop it, Maura's eyes fly open, first I can see fear and compassion in them, then once she realizes I am awake that is replaced with fury.

"Jane" was all she said, it was all she had to say that I knew she was severely pissed at me, and about to give me another lecture, and I deserved it. I try to quip "Fancy meeting you here" nope that was so the wrong thing to say.

"Jane, what is going on with you? This is the fifth time in 2 months you have been in hospital; you only just got cleared for full duty from your last stint here!" Maura's voice is stern, but there is an edge of confusion and hurt in it, I know I have hurt her but don't have the words to explain why.

"Jane you know I love you, you are my dearest friend, but I can't do this anymore" she is looking down at her hands as she says this.

My breath hitches, the fear that I have lost her strikes deep. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for the past 2 months, but still wasn't prepared for her actually saying it. I open my mouth to say something, anything but nothing comes out, If I told her the truth she would be disgusted with me, I close it again and turn my head away so she can't see the tears in my eyes.

Maura goes into her medical mode and tells me why I am again in hospital "The bullet was thankfully stopped by the vest, however you have a lot of internal bruising, also" Her voice hitches and I look over to see what has caused it.

She looks into my eyes, hers are filled with sadness "Jane, I am sorry to tell you but you lost the baby" her voice is so gentle, so caring that I want to reach out and caress her cheek then her words hit me like and cement truck

"Hold on…Wait…What?"

My voice creeps higher in pitch as the implications of this strikes me. I can feel the blood drain from my face, my hands start shaking by body starts to tremble, I am finding it hard to breathe "I was pregnant? No! That can't have happened!"

I can feel the panic rising, can feel the disgust churning in my stomach. My voice comes out as a strangled scream

"I was fucking pregnant?! NO!"

As that piece of knowledge settles into me my stomach heaves and the pain from my abdomen sends me into oblivion.

 **Maura**

The waiting room is blessedly quiet where I am waiting to be given permission to re-enter Jane's room, her reaction to the news has me very confused. Initially I was angry that she hadn't told me, that she was hiding yet another thing from me, but her reaction, oh her reaction showed me without a doubt she had no knowledge she was pregnant.

That brings up more questions than it does answers, how could she not know? She used to be so in tune with her body. Granted Jane would prefer a beer and burger to a salad, but she was always aware of what was going on with herself, when did it change?

I sit back and try to think about her behavior over the last 2 months in a more clinical manner, I am lost in thought when her Dr comes over to me

"Dr Isles you can go and see her now"

I smile "Please call me Maura, can you tell me how she is doing?"

"Only if you will call me Karin "states Dr Chakwas as she sits next to me, she sounds a bit concerned as she tells me

"Jane is lightly sedated and will likely wake within the next hour. She didn't seem to damage herself any further, but from the sounds of it she had a panic attack from the news about the miscarriage."

I decline to tell say anything about what Jane was saying just before she fainted and ask "when do you think she can leave?"

"Well I was going to discharge her this afternoon, but am not so sure now. I have seen her in here too frequently recently to feel comfortable with her going home on her own."

I smile as I look at Karin

"That is easily resolved, she will come and stay at my place. I have plenty of days in lieu owed to me, my team is very proficient, and if anything comes up they can always email or call me. Is she on bed rest, or just light duties?"

Karin looks relieved by this

"I am prescribing ten days medical leave, then a further fourteen days of light duties, I know she will be very unhappy about this, and feel a little sorry that you will bear the brunt of that. I will also be making it clear to her she is only getting discharged into your care, if at any stage, in your medical opinion, you feel she has over done it then she will end up back in here for the entirety of those 24 days."

"Karin, I have one more question"

I am trying to figure out how to ask this without being indelicate; I give up and just ask "Have you told any of her family about the miscarriage?"

Karin looks at me sharply "No, I told her family about the bruised internal organs, am I to guess you read her chart and that is how you know?"

I look away feeling a little guilty for the invasion of her privacy

"I knew that Jane would minimize to everyone the extent of the damage." I say knowing it is a weak but honest excuse.

Karin stands up and looks me carefully in the eyes

"You are right she would, and I know you care for her deeply, I also believe she cares deeply for you, I don't know if you are aware, but you are her emergency contact. Doc…I mean Maura, if you could, could you please find out what is going on with her?"

Karin walks away after saying she will be back at 1pm to discharge Jane, and make Jane very aware of the rules of that discharge.

I quickly make arrangements to take 3 weeks away from the office, to put a secondary ME on standby for the call outs, and to let my team know they can contact me at home during that time; I then make my way quietly into Jane's room.

I can hear Jane's phone beeping in the drawer beside her, I lift it out to turn it off and notice as I unlock it the screen is a photo of her and I together smiling brightly, Looking from the phone to the women lying in the bed and back again shocked to see the drastic difference between the 2, this photo was only taken six months ago yet the woman on the bed looks like a shadow of the vibrant woman in the picture.

I switch phone off and sit beside the bed I am angry at myself I didn't see the changes in Jane until looking closely at the picture, I always thought myself an observant person, but her behavior over the last couple months has made me angry and hurt.

Up until 2 months ago she would be at my place almost every day, often staying overnight rather than going back to her apartment. Then it suddenly stopped, she would hardly come over, and never invited me to her apartment. She seemed to come up with reasons and excuses as to why she couldn't spend any time with me. After about 6 weeks of this I stopped asking, I was hurt by the way she pulled away from me. I have tried to keep the relationship professional, but it has been hard, I feel like I have lost my best friend.

I think about how incautious she has been with her actions, this is the 2nd time she has been shot in as many months, then not so long ago she jumped off the Longfellow bridge to save someone, her recklessness and obliviousness was too much for Maura to deal with, watching her best friend make that leap, not knowing if she would ever see her again.

I realise all of Jane's abnormal behavior started right after she got back from her long weekend with Casey, when I dropped her off at the airport she hugged me and kissed me gently on the cheek and told me she needed to talk to me when she got back, with that comment she walked away. That woman never came back I now realise.

Vince Korsak sticks his head in the door and I put my fingers to my lips and nod behind him, checking to make sure Jane is still asleep I head over to let Korsak know what is going on.

"Twenty four days huh, Jane is not going to like that", though with the way she has been acting recently I am tempted to permanently put her on desk duty." Commented Vince, I nod in agreement.

"Vince, I have a plan of sorts, but am going to need your help with Angela"

He snorts "You need Cavanaugh for that let me get him down here."

Vince walks away talking on his phone as I check on Jane

"He will be here in 5 minutes, he was on his way anyway, he is meeting Angela here at 12pm, so might have a few minutes to talk before she gets here." Says Vince quietly as he stands beside me watching Jane.

"I don't know what is going on with her Vince, but I am now convinced something drastic happened when she went to see Casey, she was different when she came back to Boston."

Vince rubs his beard and sighs "In all the time I have known Jane she has never taken more than 3 days off sick of her own fruition, it has always been forced. When she got back she took a whole week, at the time I didn't think too much of it. Her first morning back after that she came into the bullpen Crowe made one of his typical chauvinistic comments about her not being able to walk properly and she nearly took his head off. I thought she was about to take a swing at him, normally Jane lets his comments slide."

Vince was about to say something else but Cavanaugh joined us at the door to Jane's room; I motion them both to the waiting room

"I need your help for at least the next 5 days to try and keep Angela away from Jane."

I stop for a minute to try and gather my thoughts on how to best proceed with this,

"Good luck with that" Cavanaugh comments "Keeping Angela away from her sick kid is like trying to keep a lioness away from her cubs…"

"Congratulations Cavanaugh, you won a trip for 2 to Washington D.C for 10 days, included in this prize is 9 nights in a 5 star hotel, some spending money, tickets to well some shows and it all includes a plus one" Chuckles Vince

"Unfortunately there is a tight deadline on when you can use it, what do you think Maura?"

Not catching to what Vince was meaning I turned to congratulate Cavanaugh but stopped at the confused look on his face. Seconds tick by and then I realise what Vince means and nod

"Yes that would work well, Sean can you get the time off work?"

"well yes but before I commit to this I would like a decent reason, I know Jane has been in a bit of a funk recently but it is not really as bad as you are making it out to be is it?" Questions Sean Cavanaugh. Vince answers before I get a chance,

"Yes, yes it is, this is more than just a funk but didn't realise how serious it was until Maura pointed a few things out, but we can't get into that now, here comes Angela."

As Sean steps towards Angela I whisper to Vince

"Can you make the arrangements? I will pay for it all, and thank you Vince."

I watched as Cavanaugh told Angela about the trip and hoped he had the magical ability to sway her into going, fortunately Frankie and Nina turned up and also helped.

Step one complete, now the real obstacle, Jane.


	2. Chapter 2

**I had to make some adjustments to the time line, instead of 4months it is now 2.**

 **Not exactly graphic, but may be triggering for those who can relate to the feelings, please be careful when reading.**

 **Jane**

"Ma of course you should go, you have wanted to go the D.C for years"

I try to make my smile as believable as possible, telling the muscles in my face to co-operate.

"Ma I am fine, they wouldn't have let me out of the hospital if I wasn't, and it is just a little bruising. And Maura has said she will look out for me. Honestly you should go, you deserve a holiday"

 _The show must go on, Yeah_ _  
_ _Inside my heart is breaking_ _  
_ _My make-up may be flaking_ _  
_ _But my smile still stays on_

I listen as Angela fusses over me not paying attention to what she is saying; I know that she is leaning towards going to D.C but if I say anything more now she will decide to stay. I love Ma, but I can't cope with her at the moment, I wish I could say that to her without hurting her.

 _The show must go on_

I look around; it feels like it has been forever since I stayed here last with Maura, over the years its décor has changed to fit my style more, Maura told me she no longer sees it as a guest bedroom, but my room. I force myself to look relaxed;

"Ma I am kinda tired, have a great time, don't forget to text me and let me know how it is going and bring me back a gift or ten!"

I offer Angela my cheek which she kisses loudly and leaves the room.

 _The show must go on_

I roll over, putting my back to the door and feign going to sleep, I listen to the noise out in the living area and wonder if Maura ever regrets getting involved with the Rizzolis. It is not like we are a quiet family nor all that respectful of boundaries; we seem to forget that Maura is not one of us and her house has become the place for family meals. I really should ask her someday.

It seems everyone finally leaves and I let out a quiet sigh, I hear Maura padding to the door and am aware she is watching me silently so I continue to act like I am asleep, after a beat she leaves the doorway.

I had decided 2 months ago to just ignore what had happened, to just get over it. That I was being a drama queen, that needed to harden up and stop being so weak. I spent 5 days berating myself for being so weak and stupid that I had let them do that to me, that I should have been able to defend myself, I am a fucking police officer for crying out loud!

I now seem to have all these voices in my head, some I know, some I don't; they are warring in my head at all times and my own voice is lost within it. I don't know if I even have a voice any more. Every time I looked in a mirror the last few months it would be a different voice saying something;

"Fugly oxygen thief"

"You are pathetic"

"Just get over it"

"No body would ever want you"

"Weak"

"Harden up"

I stopped looking in the mirror it hasn't stopped the voices, the accusations which have been slowly tearing down my resilience. I am just so tired.

 _The show must go on_

I can feel tears threatening to come out and without realizing it start talking out loud

"Why did I have to be wearing that stupid vest, it would have ended better had I not been, had he been able to fully swing that pipe, the people around me deserve freedom from me without the ramifications of suicide. I just can't do this anymore."

I feel the tears seep out from behind my eyelids; I grit my teeth forcing them to stop. I think I hear a noise from the hallway and partially turn, I see and hear nothing so close my eyes and battle some more with the voices in my head.

 _The show must go on, Yeah_ _  
_ _Inside my heart is breaking_ _  
_ _My make-up may be flaking_ _  
_ _But my smile still stays on_

Pregnant, I am struggling to get my head around that news as well. It is so tainted now, carrying and giving birth has always seemed like a blessing, something deeply sacred. I don't know if that is my Christian upbringing or not, but it is a belief I hold dear, yet the knowledge that I had…something growing in me has tainted that belief, I would never judge another person if they chose to keep the child, but it is not something I could do had I known I was pregnant.

"Fuck them; I will not let them take that from me as well."

I say it loudly and clearly not caring if Maura hears, I need to have something, one small thing to hold on to, let it be this, as it feels like my spirit is splintering.

I feel like I am walking barefoot blindly through a room full of sharp corners broken glass with no exit.

I let the tears come.

 _Inside my heart is breaking_ _  
_ _My make-up may be flaking_

 **Maura**

Jane has hardly spoken to me, She thanked me on the way home, thanked me for the ride, for allowing me to stay at my place she thanked me for organizing the trip for her Mother and Cavanaugh. All said in a polite way, respectfully and honestly but so remotely, like I was a stranger opening a door for her, and it hurt, the distance from each other only centimetres yet feels like miles.

Before and after, that is what it is now before the time she was away, and after she came back, whatever it is that has happened I know there is no going back to before, there is only learning and growing in the after.

I was heading up to my bedroom to run a nice soothing bath and heard Jane humming, Sitting on the step I listened trying to discern what the tune was. A couple of years ago we started up a game, a competition of sorts, we would hum a tune and the other had to figure out what the song was. I was really bad at it as most of the music that Jane listens to had previously not been to my taste, which has changed over time. I now listen to a more eclectic variety of music, however rap and hip hop has not made it to my list.

I smile remembering the time I caught Jane listening to O Fortuna, she quickly muted it and made it seem like it was an accident it was playing, and she used to complain that classical music was boring then roll her eyes at my explanation about the scientific studies about the effects of classical music on the brain.

Now we use the game to say what we are feeling, trying to match a song to our thoughts and emotions, it sometimes takes hours or days to decipher the tune; hearing her humming now, I took it as a good sign, especially when I realized it was Queen, a band she normally chooses for their upbeat and energizing music.

I googled the words, reading the words of the chorus my heart dropped and tears threatened. Oh my beautiful Jane, what is going on with you, I almost say it a loud, I go to stand and hear;

"Why did I have to be wearing that stupid vest, it would have ended better had I not been, had he been able to fully swing that pipe, the people around me deserve freedom from me without the ramifications of suicide. I just can't do this anymore."

The threatening tears break, I cover my mouth to hold in the gasp of fear and despair, I can feel a kernel of anger at the comment people deserve freedom from me, how can she not know how much she enriches peoples' lives, her presence is a joy. Have I bitten off more than I can chew?

Should I send her back to the hospital so she can get the professional help she needs, or would she scorn it and retreat further into herself? Silly question Maura, of course she would I tell myself.

"Fuck them; I will not let them take that from me as well."

That's the Jane I know, I hear the determination in her voice and it gives me a kernel of hope, if she will hold on to one thing, then can help her hold on to more. Them, them? What them? Why is that word so ominous? Even though there is a kernel of hope there is also a sliver of fear at the word them.

I decide I can't do anything until after Angela leaves, Jane needs the space to be able to speak without concern of anyone else walking in, or at least I am hoping that is what she needs. What I need is a different matter, what I need is my friend back and I know that isn't going to happen, so am quietly grieving that loss, a grief I can't share with anyone.

I quietly make my way upstairs to have my bath, and practice humming Blackbird. I think I need to engage Jane in our game that might be a good start.

The next day flew by, Angela came in and clucked over Jane some and talked excitedly about the trip that she was leaving for later in the day. I could see Jane was becoming strained with the constant interaction but knew there was no use interfering as it would either anger Jane, or cause Angela to become suspicious, so bit my tongue and tried in vain to focus on the medical journals I was attempting to catch up on.

We couldn't go and see Angela and Sean off at the airport so they decided to leave from my place, Frankie and Nina came and picked them up, Vince came over to wish them fun and quietly said to me before he left that he would wait to hear from me before coming back, and that he would also talk to Frankie and Nina to stay away, to give the time that was needed for Jane to open up.

I was still struggling to relate to Jane, she continued to be distant with me, intellectually I could understand what she was doing, emotionally I found the distance painful and hurtful. I hate it when intellect and emotions clash; it is harder to know what one to follow.

I woke up to a resounding crash it sounded like ceramics breaking, I grabbed my phone and got ready to dial emergency response and made my way downstairs. Jane's door was partially open, it was in the same position as it was when I went to bed, I looked in and she wasn't in bed, I flicked the light only to find her crouching in the corner wild eyed. She had a piece of the broken lamp in her hand; I could see she was clutching it hard as there was blood dribbling down her wrist.

"Jane?"

I took a tentative step towards her, she looked in my direction but it wasn't me she was seeing.

"Jane, it's me Maura, do you recognise me?"

There was no change in her at my question, I wasn't sure what to do, I didn't want to have to contact the hospital for her yet, I believed I could get her through this but wasn't sure how, I sat on her bed and just started talking.

"Oh Jane, you know we haven't really talked for a while, and since we are both here and have the time I would like to tell you what you jumping off that bridge meant to me, I had decided on that day after you came back, that you were coming back I had no doubt, but I decided there was a few things I wanted to say to you. So many thoughts went through my mind when I saw you make that leap, I think the first one was typical Jane, I bet she is regretting making that leap now, then it was I am going to fucking kill her when she gets back. As I ran to the railing I was so proud of you, so angry at you, hurt by you and even contemplated for a second jumping after you then thought better of it."

I glance over and I see that her breathing as settled to a more regular rhythm and she was watching me, the hand holding the shard of ceramics had dropped lower, I still couldn't see any recognition in her eyes so kept talking.

"Somewhere in there was the thought I am so telling Angela on you, thought that would be a just revenge for scaring me, then decided that was not a phone call I wanted to make and would leave it to Vince or Frankie to do. As I was waiting for the emergency services to arrive all I could think about was you in the water cold and alone and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you, give you a lecture and then kiss you deeply. I realized I had fallen head over heels for you and was pissed you weren't around that I could tell you."

I stopped suddenly realising what I had just admitted to, unsure if it had been heard or not, I hear a gravelly chuckle coming from Jane

"It is always funny when you swear Maura; it sure does get my attention."

That's what she took from that monologue? Well I will go with it for the moment.

"Hi Jane"

I smile softly at her; I quietly and slowly step towards her

"I think we need to go into the bathroom and clean up your hand"

Jane looked down at her hand and seemed surprised that she was holding onto the shard

"Oh shit! Maura I am so sorry, I am getting blood everywhere, and I don't remember picking this up"

"Those are fine dear heart, but let us go and check to make sure the wound is only superficial ok?"

I gently help her stand and head towards the bathroom, she lets me minister first aid to her hand which thankfully wasn't badly damaged.

Jane you need to have a shower to get rid of all the blood, Jump in and I will go get you another towel and some more pajamas, and before she can argue I leave the room, I wait to hear the shower turn on before moving too far from the door.

I had just grabbed a clean T shirt for Jane when I heard a yelp of pain from her and I rushed into the bathroom without knocking, more concerned for her safety that her modesty and stopped dead at the sight of her body.

She had her back to me, it was covered in healing burns, they looked like they were from cigars and cigarettes, there were also cuts scaring up but what took my breath away was what was on her lower back, in large letters burned deeply into her skin were the words; OWNED.

The look on Jane's face when she turned to me was once filled with guilt, shame and fear.

I stepped up to her, I put my hand on her cheek, looked into her eyes

"I love you Jane Rizzoli, we will talk about this later"

I kissed her on the other cheek, lingering for a few seconds

"I will be in the kitchen while you clean up, call if you need anything, then try and get some more sleep"

I made sure Jane heard me, and then headed towards the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar I put my head in my hands and cried.

 **Ok wow I didn't think that people would read my stuff let alone review it, so thank you all for what you have said, and again any constructive feedback is welcome, either through review or PM. Police don't carry guns in my country, and they are not commonly found in households either, it is for that reason I will not be including guns in this story, or at least not for a while. Also am thinking of making this a bit of a cross over with SVU, thoughts?**


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